WASHINGTON ― What was thought to be an easy win for Senate Republicans came unglued when Senate bill S.780 came to the floor. The bill simply proposed Republican Senators would be thrown a self-congratulatory beer party in the Rose Garden for passing the bill itself (featuring Bud Light™.) Senate Majority Leader McConnell was confident he had the votes to pass the bill when he brought it to the floor. That’s when the trouble began. Sen. Porkson (R - CO) proposed a last minute amendment to the bill, making Coors Light™ the featured beverage. This garnered an immediate response from Sen. Bromski (R - WI) who claimed the featured beverage should be Old Milwaukee™, saying, “it made Milwaukee famous for Christ sake!.” After being censured for taking the Lord’s name in vain, pushing and shoving ensued.
White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”
Former intelligence professionals started becoming very alarmed after photos from the oval office started showing up on TASS (the official Russian government controlled news agency.) In many of the pictures, Russians can be seen in the background installing various electronic devices.
An anonymous White House staffer claimed that when they questioned President Trump about allowing the Russian contingent into the meeting, he responded, “Of course, whatever my Russian comrades want.” The White House later feigned outrage, claiming they had been “tricked.”
Washington, D.C. President Donald Trump had Press Secretary Sean Spicer call an unscheduled press conference this afternoon to announce that the president’s inauguration crowd was much larger than the Patriot’s victory parade crowd.
The Boston police department earlier estimated the crowd to be in excess of 1 million people. The Boston police department official Twitter feed later posted revised crowd estimate of “a few thousand” after a call from Trump to Governor Charlie Baker threatening to cutting off all federal funding if their “fake news” numbers weren’t corrected.
Washington, D.C. - On the heels of electing the first black president, the United States has knocked down another barrier by electing the world’s first internet troll, Donald J. Trump, to head of state. Della Katflour, spokesperson for the ACLU said, “This is a great day for what has been a long stigmatized element of our society. I think we will see internet trolls everywhere coming out of the darkness of their parent’s basements and proudly tweeting in the light of day.”
President-elect Trump has decided to auction off his remaining cabinet positions and ambassadorships on eBay to raise money for the Trump Foundation. Eric Trump, who is a real whiz with eBay, loaded all the 420 remaining positions on eBay for his Dad. Bidding has been brisk, with the Tahitian ambassadorship holding the highest bid so far at $899,000.00.
Trump spokesperson, Anita Borshun, said, “Mr. Trump has grown bored with the whole process, and he’s already given positions to all his major donors that wanted one, so now he figures why not raise some quick cash. He had no idea there were so many cushy jobs to give away.”
President-elect Trump announced today, that once in office, his first act will be to pass an executive order officially replacing the period with the exclamation mark as the grammatically correct way to end all sentences. Much of President-elect Trump's time lately has been increasingly devoted to Twitter wars with "grammar Nazis" who have criticized him for the overuse of exclamation marks.
Trump told reporters, "Periods are for low-energy people! I'm not going to spend my presidency arguing about punctuation! I graduated magma comma laundry (sic) from Wharton, I don't need some loser English professor from Bumfuck State University making $40k a year telling me what punctuation marks to use!"
President-elect Trump has selected Governor Chris Christie to head the new “Food Security Department.” Christie’s responsibilities will entail trying all President Trump’s food before it is given to the president.
President-elect Trump said, “Chris is a great man. He is uniquely qualified for this position...he’s fiercely loyal, has an insatiable appetite, and he’s expendable.”
New York - A new poll from Monolith Polling suggests that despite Sanders’ endorsement of Clinton, Sanders’ supporters have moved on to the “next big thing”, and she will get very little help from them in November.
Only 1% of those 35 or younger, identifying themselves as “Sanders’ supporters”, said they would vote for Clinton in November. 95% of them said they would not vote at all and would instead be playing Pokémon GO.
Sacramento, California - In another setback for Elon Musk and Tesla, one of their new Model X vehicles transformed into a car crushing robot and tore a Hummer in half, instantly killing the douche bag inside. Apparently, the driver of the Tesla, Herbert Lutz pressed the “revenge” button on the Tesla’s instrument panel. Lutz said, “I know I wasn’t supposed to touch that button — they had told me it was in beta testing, but I always wondered what it did. So when this a-hole in a gas-guzzling Hummer cut me off, forcing auto-pilot to slam on the brakes, curiosity got the better of me. I thought it would yell at him or something, I had no idea it would lead to all this trouble.”
Columbus, Ohio - Lawyers for the terrorist group ISIS today filed suit in federal district court alleging the the RNC platform committee lifted much of the Republican platform directly from their website. ISIS lawyer, Haider Salami said, “We understand the anti-gay rhetoric, that’s ‘hate-group 101’, we all use that, but the document on a whole so closely mimics our platform, that it’s almost inconceivable that they didn’t copy it directly from our web site. And it states clearly at the bottom of our site, ‘All material copyright © ISIS 2016’. This is a clear violation of international copyright law.”